it's not like that

It's like you don't even feel guilty about leaving me. Or you don't feel guilty still talking to someone who helped ruin your relationship because trust me, I feel guilty every single fucking day. I can't live with myself. and I don't know what it is but I think I'm just that in love with you. But why did it take me this long and why did it take this for me to get it? And why can't you see how much I do love you? I do. I really do? 

So why did I cheat? It wasn't because I was unhappy with our relationship. It was the opposite. I was in love with our relationship. I still am. I was and I still am in love with you! So why did I cheat? I didn't deserve you. You are too good for me. I'm stupid, I don't think, I have a shitty life, and you deserved better and I didn't deserve you. So I cheated with the lowest of the low to make myself feel better. Because I didn't think I deserved any better than that lowlife. And you? You are you! You are my lover, my friend, my best friend, the love of my life, the one who keeps me grounded, and sane, and the one who broke up with me; the one who made me want to start a family, the one who changed my mind about loving someone, the one who loved me to the moon and back. The one I betrayed and the one who betrayed me, it's you. 

But you don't feel guilt like I do. Do you? Not enough at least. The way you look so happy and unhurt by how you left me. Did you love me after I cheated. Did you feel guilty that you had? Did you want to kill yourself for days and hide the fact? Because I did. And I still do. And that's why I went cold. And distant. Because I wanted to hide the fact that I cheated. Because I was ashamed of myself. Because I knew what you meant to me, and what I meant to you. And I still did this unspeakable act. And I cannot believe who I am anymore and I can't live with myself. I literally cannot. I hate every inch of my body because of what I did. Is that what you feel too? 

Because if I could turn back time. I'd never cheat. I'd never take our relationship for granted. I would never leave you. I would never take your love for granted. But it's too late now, isn't it? I'm a psycho mentally ill person. And she's okay. That's why you broke up with me. 

What about you? I want to know what you think. What about you? What would you do differently if anything at all? 

~C.