I can't sleep and I woke up at 4 am

I sent in my resignation. I emailed it to my managers yesterday. What a relief. I still have to work 2 weeks but I'm just relieved to not have to work after that.

I'm getting bad again though. I miss him and I still love him and he doesn't want to talk to me like that anymore. So I said sorry. I bother him when I shouldn't. So I said sorry. I hurts. Knowing someone, talking to them every day for 3 years. And then it's gone in an instant. So I said sorry. Then I deleted his texts and his number. And I archived the Facebook messages and muted his Instagram.

I'm afraid of what happens next. But I still love him. He said, when we broke up, that the reason why we can't be together is my parents. And it's true. They never wanted this. They are traditional and want me to marry someone who is the same religion as me.

I messed up this relationship. And now I messed up this friendship.

I don't know where to go from here. I want to be with him. I just cannot stand it. He was the only one who made me feel like I wanted more. He's the one who made me consider having kids and getting married. I was set on not doing that before I met him but he made life so worth every experience. Why did I mess that up?

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with loving someone?

I just can't take it anymore.

I miss him. I really do. And it hurts not being able to tell him or love him or kiss him or touch him or even just look into his eyes.

I was so scared to love him when I could and now I can't and I just really really want to. How could I be so stupid as to not cherish him when I had the chance?

These feelings have gotten me so sick. I'm always fighting an upset stomach. And trying to mend a broken heart but I keep ripping it into smaller and smaller pieces. I was going to be his wife. I should've jumped. I should've taken the chances and it's too late. What can I do now other than regret and cry about what could've and should've been.

Who the fuck waits for love? I can't stop crying and I feel so stupid and useless and hopeless and anxious and sick. This relationship is over and it can never come back. He's over it, isn't he? 

~C.