Do you miss me the way I miss you?

Because I miss you. And the way I miss you hurts me. It goes two ways but it always hurts. 

I wake up fine. I wake up ready to start the day. You aren't in my life. I don't think about you constantly. But I do. I think about who we were. And then I make up a whole story to myself that you aren't here. We never were anything. It feels like you never existed and I can get on with my life. It's all good until I see a reminder of you. A picture, a toy, a song, anything that reminds me of you. Then I'm sad. And I miss you again. 

I wake up shitty because I dreamt about you. I don't want to get out of bed. I stay in bed, trying to distract myself. But it physically hurts. I've lost 10 pounds this way. I broke my laptop's keyboard this way... the spacebar doesn't work. I throw up or shit liquid until it's light out. I don't have any responsibilities. I quit my job. I quit everything I love. I see your message on my phone. Or I'm browsing on Facebook and I noticed you changed your profile picture from one that I took of you to one that she took of you. And I want to go downstairs, under the kitchen sink and drink a glass of bleach and die. That's how much it hurts. 

I don't think I can learn to trust again. I never know anyone's true intentions. Why couldn't you have just been honest? 

When? 

When did things go so sour? When did you decide that I wasn't the one for you? When did you suddenly stop caring? You cheated on me. I don't care that you slept with someone. I care that you slept with someone who you commented on since day one. 

"Why can't you be that tall?"

"I like my girls tall"

"Look at her ass"

"She's hot"

"I told my aunt I'm going to go after her" 

"She's just a friend" Well if she was just a friend, why did you do all those things?

You confessed to her on NYE. You went out with her multiple times. You shared Netflix with her. You had feelings for her. Not me. You lied. You spoke to her so many times behind my back. You slept with her. You talked with her fucking sister. You fucked her. 

You let your feelings for her ruin our relationship. 

Yes! I cheated too! I cheated in a shitty time. I cheated when our relationship was going good. But you... you cheated at that time too. You cheated on me more than once. You cheated on me with your fucking heart. I don't care about sleeping around. People cheat. I cheated. But I never once stopped loving you. I never once had feelings for anyone else. I always loved you. And that's why I can't stand myself. Why the fuck did I cheat? Why didn't you just break up with me? And why didn't I just break up with you when you cheated on my feelings on NYE? Why did you have to break my trust over and over and over and over? 

I can't stop loving you but I can't be with you either. I cannot trust. And I hate myself, I hate my family, I hate you, I hate her, I hate everyone. I hate everything in my life. All because of how little trust I have because you decided to be a coward. You couldn't break up with me so you cheated. 

Did you ever love me? When did you stop? 

How can I trust again?

You were my first love. That happens once. You broke me in so many ways. 

And missing you hurts. It makes me feel stupid. It makes me feel so fucking stupid and childish. How can I love someone and miss someone who hurt me so bad? But I just do. Because I wanted to marry you. I wanted to have your babies. I wanted to keep it both times but I knew I couldn't. And I was so ready to run away with you but that's not what you wanted. And I knew that we had problems. We had issues. We had trust issues. But I trusted you time and time again. But how can I be so blinded? Did you ever love me? I will never know your true intentions and it scares me. And talking TO you scares me. If you have the answers I need, tell me. But don't talk to me again so that I can fantasize that you were only a dream to me. And a lesson. Making you real hurts. 

Yeah, it's that bad. 

~C.
(P.S. Yes, I finally blocked you. On Facebook, on Instagram, I even blocked your number... I can't see your face or your calls or your texts or the message you sent last or anything about you. But I can't block you from my mind. So what does that mean? We'll never talk again. And I hate that. Please don't hate me. I still love you and I'm that stupid.)
(P.P.S. I want you to hurt as bad as I do. I really want you to hurt. And I want her to hurt. And for some sick reason, I hope you never find a love again because I know I never will. I guess that means that I want you to appreciate our relationship in a different way. I want you to know how bad I hurt and I want you to feel that too.)