NYES (New Years Eve Sucks)

I know it's not New Years Eve but this post is about things about that night. 

There was a rave and my friends and my boyfriend went to it. I didn't go because my parents suck and won't ever let me out and blahblahblah the usual jazz.

My boyfriend had been texting my friend a lot and they got closer and I honestly got jealous because, frankly, he seemed to pay a lot more attention to her. I knew that they were just friends and that I was only jealous because of the attention, not because I thought that he liked her. And I confronted him about it still and he confirmed with me that it was just friendly conversations and that he didn't have any feelings for her. He was just trying to make a new friend. Of course, I believed him but stayed jealous. It's only natural to be jealous in this situation. I mean, he was texted her everyday for hours continuously and he talked about texting her with me. It was weird but I tried my best to brush it off. Like always, I was just getting jealous over petty things. 

I always do. Like when he talked about the girl he used to like and how he chased her so hard, I do get jealous. I still do. Just because he doesn't really put in the same effort with me. He explains that it's because he's not chasing me and doesn't need to put in that effort to pull me in. But it still feels nice when a guy does all these things for you. I was there, I know what he did. He acted on impulse most of the time but still, those were super cute things he did. 

My feelings for him and his for me were reaffirmed when he bought me a bracelet for Christmas. It's true that material goods don't mean anything but if someone is willing to spend so much on you while still being on a tight budget, that means more than just a thing. He said he bought it for me because he can see us lasting a long time, despite my parents' predicted disapproval (they do not know about us yet). It's nice, and I really did feel as though I was the only one he loved and that he truly does care about me even though he sometimes sucks at showing it. 

And I do love him back. A lot. 

But then NYE hit. I was sad because I worked, came home and he messaged me a bit then went off to the rave with his friends. Of course I missed him and normally I hate NYE. I only stayed up until 12 and then went to bed right away. I didn't want to think of him having fun with her and being drunk and all those things. But again, he messaged me wishing me a Happy New Year and it was a warm hug to my heart. Yes, he does care. 

Once he rave was over though, around 2am, he called me and confessed what he had done. My heart broke and I just listened. I had known all along that this would happen. That's why I always told him I was jealous and that it's rude to be on the phone when we're out together but he never listened. Apparently he caught feelings for her and confessed them to her too. 

All that trust of 5 months crashed down with a simple phone call. My feelings were and still are so conflicted. I love him but there's no trust there anymore. I didn't want to listen to him anymore. I don't remember a thing that happened that night except that I cried. And I cried into the morning and everything between us was awkward and sad and I just couldn't deal with the pain. 

And now, when I see her, I can't stand her face. I can't stand thinking about her. 

He apologized and yes, I did accept it but I did not forgive him. I won't ever forget this honestly. He lied to me and to himself and I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that he didn't think about what I was afraid of. I was so afraid of him catching feelings and I saw it coming. The way he always messaged her, even when he's driving with me beside him. When he doesn't message me to come chill at Denny's in the middle of the night be he asks her. All these things and he just lied to me and cheated his feelings. I won't forgive him. He has broke my trust. 

He did promise me that he won't text her anymore, to stop the feelings from growing. He said that he does love me, and care for me and wants to be with me. And I believe that but there's always going to be a doubt now. There's always going to be that part of me that can't trust his word. He's still lying because I can see it on his phone. Constant messages from her. 

It isn't her fault but I want to blame her for this. I can't blame my lover, I love him too much. But me and her have no bond now. I don't think I'll ever be able to face her without having my body filled with rage. She stole my boyfriend from me with her texts and I feel threatened by her. I am still mad at my boyfriend too, how did he let this happen!

I can't think straight and this is all that has been on my mind ever since then. I can't let it go and it hurts me to think that I thought as far ahead as moving in with him yet this is what happened. Somehow, I still love him but there's no trust anymore. 


~C.

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