hard
Life is hard.
Sometimes you get really deep, emotional, well constructed thoughts in the shower but within minutes you forget because you rinse that shampoo off.
As I'm doing the minimalism challenge, I've realized that staying offline isn't that hard until your boyfriend messages you and you're already having problems. Then you're desperate for attention and desperate to keep him so you do anything for him. You even give up your 30-day challenge just to speak to him.
It's also hard to meditate. I barely got through 7 minutes. Meditation is hard. My mind wanders too much and I just want to smoke weed and sleep. But again, that weed in my suitcase is tempting but it's not mine to smoke at free will. The fact that I say this every time means I'm not in control of my wants and needs.
Also the fact that I'm using an elastic to snap my wrists every time I think about him leaving me means I'm not in control of my thoughts. I'm trying to control them externally but internally I am a mess. I've been feeling like cutting and smoking and getting high but all this is just the wrong way to cope with my emotions. I promised him I wouldn't do it, so I'm snapping elastics on my wrists until the skin swells. At least it doesn't cause any scars.
I've been having cold sweats all day, worried about my relationship. If I didn't despise the word hate and all it means, I'd say that I hate my life. There! I said it!
I have no effort to continue writing nor do I possess the mental capacity to collect my thoughts and regurgitate them into proper sentences. I feel sick to my stomach, hungry because my stress it consuming all my calories and I'm just generally upset with the position that I have been born into. I just had to be born into such a strict and traditional family. I'm going to throw up. I don't think I'll ever be happy in this family.
Sometimes you get really deep, emotional, well constructed thoughts in the shower but within minutes you forget because you rinse that shampoo off.
As I'm doing the minimalism challenge, I've realized that staying offline isn't that hard until your boyfriend messages you and you're already having problems. Then you're desperate for attention and desperate to keep him so you do anything for him. You even give up your 30-day challenge just to speak to him.
It's also hard to meditate. I barely got through 7 minutes. Meditation is hard. My mind wanders too much and I just want to smoke weed and sleep. But again, that weed in my suitcase is tempting but it's not mine to smoke at free will. The fact that I say this every time means I'm not in control of my wants and needs.
Also the fact that I'm using an elastic to snap my wrists every time I think about him leaving me means I'm not in control of my thoughts. I'm trying to control them externally but internally I am a mess. I've been feeling like cutting and smoking and getting high but all this is just the wrong way to cope with my emotions. I promised him I wouldn't do it, so I'm snapping elastics on my wrists until the skin swells. At least it doesn't cause any scars.
I've been having cold sweats all day, worried about my relationship. If I didn't despise the word hate and all it means, I'd say that I hate my life. There! I said it!
I have no effort to continue writing nor do I possess the mental capacity to collect my thoughts and regurgitate them into proper sentences. I feel sick to my stomach, hungry because my stress it consuming all my calories and I'm just generally upset with the position that I have been born into. I just had to be born into such a strict and traditional family. I'm going to throw up. I don't think I'll ever be happy in this family.
~C.
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