Tunnel

I can't listen to my "favourite" band anymore because of my car accident. 

I was driving under the tunnel, listening to one of their songs, and out of nowhere I get hit and everything went silent. 

My first reaction: "The music turned off... am I dead?" 
Second: "Why's there so much smoke?"
Third: "I wish I was dead."

I can remember that day so well and even now, I'm getting teary-eyed thinking about it. Cecilia died that day and it was all my fault.

It took me so long to recover from that accident and even now ,I get nightmares sometimes. I have body aches and sudden movements when I'm driving scare the hell out of me. 

In the nightmares when it first happened, I kept replaying the scene over and over, trying to hit the breaks in time. Apparently, my mother told me my foot moved while I lay in bed or on the couch or wherever I fell asleep. That whole month consisted of me going to work and sleeping between those hours. 

So now, even 3 months later, I can't listen to those songs on that album because it gives me anxiety attacks. I can't go on that same road to work without tensing up still. I'm actually getting better at driving as long as I know which way to go. But I swear, I'm more anxious as a driver now than I was before. 

I don't remember why I wrote this. I'm trying to get back into the habit of writing but I really suck now. 

Okay, I'm going to go be pissed off somewhere else.

~C.