Nothing at All
How long does it take for you to become your own person and not an extension of your parents? I wish my people weren't so family oriented, because right now the belief is that kids are an extension of their parents. I'm sick of that mentality because as an adult, I want to be seen as me, I don't care what other people think. I don't want my decisions to ruin my father's reputation. I want to do what I want to do, whether it's cut all my hair off, move out, go out, or even just have a different race boyfriend.
It's not that I don't want a family, I just wish they weren't as strict. I'm a good kid! I don't come home drunk or high, I don't stay out all night and fuck every boy I see. I don't get into real fights and I do care about school. It's just the fact that, despite how good I am, I have no freedom. As though I'm not trusted myself or I'm not good enough to make the right decisions or I have bad friend. All of this is not true. I know that even with all the freedom I want, I won't become a bad person.
Let's be honest here: I am relatively young (a month away from 19) so I'm bound to make mistakes. That is inevitable. But wouldn't it be better if I make those mistakes now, learn from them, and avoid making an ass of myself later? Wouldn't it be better for me to get all the fun out of the way so when I do get a career, my "need for speed" won't get in the way of my professional life? Wouldn't it be great if I could be happy in my skin while I'm still developing as an adult instead of let me ruin my self-esteem, never to be fixed?
I'm going to go beyond my direct family now and address societal issues. My society, as in Punjabi people, have restricted me from doing what I want because of my gender. And that has impacted me from such a young age that as I grew older, I also grew apart from my heritage because it didn't fit my views. I'm exposed to so many different ideas and I take from them what I think is best. But what I believe best isn't what is best in my culture. In the end, I'm just not a part of my culture while still identifying as it. I feel as though I'm stuck in the middle; I don't belong to anything other than this (or Canadian but that has no heritage), yet I don't have the same values.
I'm so confused. I'm lost. I don't want a guide, I just want to be able to experiment and see what I want.
I have to get back to my essay. School is killer.
It's not that I don't want a family, I just wish they weren't as strict. I'm a good kid! I don't come home drunk or high, I don't stay out all night and fuck every boy I see. I don't get into real fights and I do care about school. It's just the fact that, despite how good I am, I have no freedom. As though I'm not trusted myself or I'm not good enough to make the right decisions or I have bad friend. All of this is not true. I know that even with all the freedom I want, I won't become a bad person.
Let's be honest here: I am relatively young (a month away from 19) so I'm bound to make mistakes. That is inevitable. But wouldn't it be better if I make those mistakes now, learn from them, and avoid making an ass of myself later? Wouldn't it be better for me to get all the fun out of the way so when I do get a career, my "need for speed" won't get in the way of my professional life? Wouldn't it be great if I could be happy in my skin while I'm still developing as an adult instead of let me ruin my self-esteem, never to be fixed?
I'm going to go beyond my direct family now and address societal issues. My society, as in Punjabi people, have restricted me from doing what I want because of my gender. And that has impacted me from such a young age that as I grew older, I also grew apart from my heritage because it didn't fit my views. I'm exposed to so many different ideas and I take from them what I think is best. But what I believe best isn't what is best in my culture. In the end, I'm just not a part of my culture while still identifying as it. I feel as though I'm stuck in the middle; I don't belong to anything other than this (or Canadian but that has no heritage), yet I don't have the same values.
I'm so confused. I'm lost. I don't want a guide, I just want to be able to experiment and see what I want.
I have to get back to my essay. School is killer.
~C.
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