Shit Feels

When you poop it really feels good doesn't it? Letting out all the toxic waste that's been in your system all day (or maybe longer... maybe you have constipation, I don't know). Well, that's physical and right now, I'm not feeling any emotional poop coming out of me. Does anyone have any laxatives for that? 

I try so hard to get out my feelings, I really do, but I scare myself. I scare myself in ways that no other thing in the world can scare me. I haven't openly cried in so long and I'm sure that when I do burst out crying, I will cry for hours. Everything is building inside me; the stress, sadness, pain, emptiness, and worst of all I'm not lonely anymore. Ironic isn't it? That once I'm surrounded by people who don't let me feel lonely, I still feel so sad and empty. What is this? It's not depression and it's not anxiety. It's something else. It's attention seeking, power hungry, want to be perfect me. It's a new me. An I don't know me person. 

How ugly are my words. How I feel the guilt of some unknown event and want to keep on living like nothing is there. How horrid I am for being careless and indifferent to the world because beauty is nothing and I am the beast. 

Fuck it, again this is word vomit. 

~C.