0330/1530
I'm really glad you don't read my blog anymore. Then you'd know everything about me. My secrets, my wishes. My heartaches. My negative side. I hate being broken like this. And I miss you.
Today was the worst days I've had in a long time. So much anxiety that I don't even want to talk about it. But starting your day with work at 3:30 AM is a sign that your life isn't where you want it to be. And everything just went downhill from there. Honestly, I try to keep positive thoughts about work, and life, and even this stupid stupid stupid break up. But some days are just so hard to even smile.
But because this is a blog that will remain on the Internet forever, I won't dwell on any specifics.
I get really anxious going to school. Walking the halls, walking to class, walking to and from my car. Just everywhere I go. I don't want to run into... her. It gives me so much anxiety to see that face or a face that resembles hers and I just want to throw up every single time. I'm not sure what made me like this. What made me react this way to her? I'm not sure. But for some reason... I just am filled with so much hatred for her.
I wish I could just take a pill or take a... something, that would instantly take away this anxiety and emotional pain.
I keep trying to look forward, to something positive. But right now, I'm just so deprived of human contact. Human connection. I want someone to talk to or hug or touch. And no one in my life is there that understands me like you do. Or cares about me like you do.
I used to believe in karma. But what have I done so bad in my life that I deserve this pain and hardship. How do I get rid of these suicidal, sad, lonely, anxious, negative, terrible thoughts? How do I move on past the wrongs I've done and seen? No one deserves to feel this way everyday, do they?
I'm sorry to everyone for what I've ever done to hurt them. I truly am. Alas, this apology is deemed useless. No one will read it. Not even you.
Today was the worst days I've had in a long time. So much anxiety that I don't even want to talk about it. But starting your day with work at 3:30 AM is a sign that your life isn't where you want it to be. And everything just went downhill from there. Honestly, I try to keep positive thoughts about work, and life, and even this stupid stupid stupid break up. But some days are just so hard to even smile.
But because this is a blog that will remain on the Internet forever, I won't dwell on any specifics.
I get really anxious going to school. Walking the halls, walking to class, walking to and from my car. Just everywhere I go. I don't want to run into... her. It gives me so much anxiety to see that face or a face that resembles hers and I just want to throw up every single time. I'm not sure what made me like this. What made me react this way to her? I'm not sure. But for some reason... I just am filled with so much hatred for her.
I wish I could just take a pill or take a... something, that would instantly take away this anxiety and emotional pain.
I keep trying to look forward, to something positive. But right now, I'm just so deprived of human contact. Human connection. I want someone to talk to or hug or touch. And no one in my life is there that understands me like you do. Or cares about me like you do.
I used to believe in karma. But what have I done so bad in my life that I deserve this pain and hardship. How do I get rid of these suicidal, sad, lonely, anxious, negative, terrible thoughts? How do I move on past the wrongs I've done and seen? No one deserves to feel this way everyday, do they?
I'm sorry to everyone for what I've ever done to hurt them. I truly am. Alas, this apology is deemed useless. No one will read it. Not even you.
~C.
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