really stressed and not well dressed

I got this cool Hot Wheels toy yesterday. It's a Greddy truck and car. There's another one of it but I couldn't find it so I guess someone bought it. Apparently they were stocking in the one near me but I forgot to go. Now I'm too lazy to go out again. 

I've been pretty sad these few days, after what happened. And there's a lot of emotions. Relief, sadness, jealousy, grief, sadness, pain. I want to say a lot of things, but I don't. Because I know it's my heart speaking, not my brain. And I just need it to heal before I do anything. At the same time though, I don't know how it'll heal properly. Nothing is going to be the same and I'm not sure what I'm going to do when school starts. I know for a fact that I'm not close to anyone but this 1 person and they probably don't want to be with me during school anyway since it's weird now. Well, that's where the jealousy kicks in. Maybe I'll just go to class and then the gym and eat lunch in between that time. It shouldn't be too bad. It'll be lonely but I can make more friends. 

Just to let out my feelings here's a text I never sent the other day. You'll see what I mean when I say that I can't trust my heart to say the right things right now. I don't want the things I say to stick. I don't even know if I actually mean them. 

I don't want you to hook up with her. I know it's not my place to say but I dont want it anyway. And I'll say it. I can tell from what you said that you probably want to. What can I do about that though? Just be sad and that's all. 

Well, I'm just saying that I don't want it. But if you're going to do it, do it. Don't try and take it slow as to not hurt me because it'll hurt regardless. It's a reason for our failed relationship; not the only one, but it plays a factor: directly and indirectly. You're smart enough to figure out how, I hope. 

To be more blunt. if you hook up with her, or date her, or whatever, even if I don't find out, it will ruin our friendship. That's how I feel. Like you lied to me. If you keep going back to her, after all the pain it has caused me and you. 

It's not my place to say this. So I won't. But I can think it, and I can write it here to let it out of my head. 

I will hate you for that. And I won't be able to be your friend. 

I thought about it many times, and I thought that maybe if we break up I wouldn't care if you did go with her. but I do care. That's just who I am. Because it's part of who I am. I can't just pretend that nothing happened.

That being said, do what makes you happy. I can't stop you from anything. I don't have that jurisdiction as your ex. Doesn't matter in the end. You live your life, and I'll live mine. 

It's kinda weird how the weather always happens to match my mood when I'm feelings like this. It's cloudy, dark, hard to breathe, sudden but expected. It's so uncomfortable and there's nothing that can happen to make it go away but time. 

I've been listening to a lot of Jonghyun's songs lately. I almost cried on a few. Life hurts. Love is pain. Some other cliche shit like that. But sometimes it's true, that's why they become cliche in the first place. There's no perfect song for situations where you know it's supposed to be like this and all you can do is be sad regardless of not being able to do anything or feel the "right" way. 

I guess everyone has their own experiences and no one faces the same thing as others. 

~C.