comfort
For some reason, this blog is still the only comfortable thing I can come back to. I still like the colours, I still feel as though it's a home for me. I come back here when things are getting bad to make myself feel better.
Here is a dump of thoughts I came up with a few days ago at 1AM when I couldn't sleep. The thing is, I was thinking of suicide. Not committing, just thinking why someone would. And it just was a word vomit from there.
Here is a dump of thoughts I came up with a few days ago at 1AM when I couldn't sleep. The thing is, I was thinking of suicide. Not committing, just thinking why someone would. And it just was a word vomit from there.
I guess you can guess who I'm talking about. But that's all I wanted to post here. Also, I'm broken up. And sick of life. What else is new?
I hate the phrase that says to learn from your mistakes. no. learn from experiences both good and bad.
im grateful to have had many experiences to learn from, some mine and some others'.
one that sticks with me is that you cannot please everyone so choose what's most important to you in times of conflict and see where you want to stand. what sets you at ease and makes you happy.
I hate being uncomfortable. if something isn't comfortable, dont do it. why should life be more difficult than you need to make it...for anyone? dont create unnecessary problems for yourself or others.
Being spiteful and petty gets you nothing but short term satisfaction. and then what? you decide it felt good so you do it again and again, at the expense of others.
you have one life, one personality, one image...a living credit score basically. it follows you everywhere... and that goes for everyone...be more forgiving and be more kind.
use your moral judgement: do I need to be selfish here or no? does it matter that much to me to get what I want?
you don't have to settle for less than you deserve but what exactly do you deserve and why? be a little selfless when you can afford to be.
.
thinking too hard about life makes it seem pointless. so what? what can you do? people exist around you. the least you can do is keep them company. live for simple things like accidentally waking up at 4am and catching a glimpse of the sunrise, or turning on the radio and hearing the perfect song for the first time, making someone genuinely smile, the chance of having a good night sleep, or waking up well rested, knowing that its 2 months from your favourite time of year and counting down to it casually (oh, its 4 weeks till October 2 already?), listening to new music and liking it, [window] shopping for someone else, the sound of airplanes when you're about to sleep, the pitter patter of the rain on the roof, the satisfaction of a clean room after you clean up after 3 months, the change of seasons from a certain window in your life (my favourite is the one facing the garden at school), listening to old songs or reading books after years and it feeling like the first time, watching your favourite movie for the hundredth time and it still being comforting, holding your own secret likes that no one has yet tainted, the perfect weather (not hot, not cold, you can go out in whatever you're wearing and it feels comfortable), perfect hair before you go to sleep. there are a lot of reasons to keep going, just forgive yourself. be alone if you need to but look forward to 1 thing everyday even if it's just going home after work or the drive in between...whatever makes you feel content.
its better to be alone than spend time with people sometimes...people can carry aura that clashes with what you're in need of.
sometimes youre trying to grab anything that makes you less lonely but the only thing around you is sharp and you get stuck...its better to wait or let your hand rest until you know what you need...
what does it matter what anyone thinks?who cares about attention...attention comes from those who love you without you searching for it... just be you're true self. what feels most comfortable without trying. for me, I do the same hair every day, I wear simple clothing, no makeup, and whatever shoes that are there. I have no one to impress. im just living life because what else can I do?
anyway
you did well. I'm sorry you had to suffer so much unnecessarily. I hope you are content where you are now; you deserve so much.
rest well
~C.
(P.S. I took forever to remember how I used to do the PS thing at the end of my blog posts. I wanna keep it consistent. But whatever. It's changed so many times. Anyway, the past year or so I've strayed so far from what I wanted to be. I became an angry bitch. I'm trying to go back. Stay lowkey. Stay laid back. So I stopped being obsessed with followers, posts, likes, comments, etc, this month. It felt good. I have a few things I want to say on this post but I forgot who has access to this blog and I'm not sure they should know it. I'll mention it some other time but this paragraph serves as a reminder of that detail. It's too big to forget.)
(P.S. I took forever to remember how I used to do the PS thing at the end of my blog posts. I wanna keep it consistent. But whatever. It's changed so many times. Anyway, the past year or so I've strayed so far from what I wanted to be. I became an angry bitch. I'm trying to go back. Stay lowkey. Stay laid back. So I stopped being obsessed with followers, posts, likes, comments, etc, this month. It felt good. I have a few things I want to say on this post but I forgot who has access to this blog and I'm not sure they should know it. I'll mention it some other time but this paragraph serves as a reminder of that detail. It's too big to forget.)
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