heat

I've been watching make-up tutorials like no tomorrow. Half because I'm super into it and want to look good but half because it makes me feel so good about myself how those girls talk to us. They are legit so sweet and kind and it's like the older sister I need.

What I mean is that I'm super alone in this world as a person. I have a family, friends, boyfriend but in the end, I don't have myself. That's the one person I need. See, I know what I need but then in reality, I'm completely dependent on my boyfriend. 

I wish he'd be more supportive of me always instead of just when I'm sick like right now. I'm PMSing right now so this is pretty exaggerated but here it goes (& from here on I don't give two shits about my grammar because it's a fuckin rant okay). I legit hate when he asks me out to go eat but it turns out to be with other people and sure yes I can go. But it's not convenient for someone else then sorry the date changes and then I can't go because of work. And legit, any time he goes out with our friends to have fun I can't go because it's Friday and I have work. Literally, all the fun things he does, it so happens to be without me just because my schedule doesn't fit. 
And he's always like "lets go on a date when i get money" OKAY FUCK you seem to have money to go out with friends to get fucking all you can eat but can't go on a date with me? We haven't actually been on a real date since the summer and it's almost December! When matt are you going to take me out?! 

And all these fucking spontaneous plans. Yes, I want to be part of it but why is it always when I can't go? Matt, you know I work every Friday! 
UGH I'm pissed off how you always do shit without me. 

Okay I'm done
I'm in the library and I'm gonna cry and I'm sick so this isn't helping me at all. 

~C.

(P.S. this is going to be a long ps btw, but matt you also need to know that when i ask you to watch things or do things i dont do it to annoy you and the least you can do it watch it or dont expect me not to do something. i do shit because i want to do it for you, not because you ask me to. but if you can't do it for me then fine, but just know if that's how it is them i'm spending my temporary time on your favourite things while you can't do that same and i'm not mad, but it just goes to show how much i love you <3 AND the effort u put into me is so little compared to what you put into a girl you're chasing but aren't i more important? it's like... when u say it's a different story and that you're not chasing me, it' feels like ur calling me easy and that i'm desperate and i'd never leave you. but the reality is that i feel jealous and wish you'd appreciate me more. i love you thats why i'd never leave you, but there's some things i'd like you to do sometimes. think about it, i shouldn't always have to tell you the answer.)

(P.P.S. this conflict ended as soon as it started so yea i was pmsing like i said.)