UnReal
Lately, I've been feeling really disconnected from life. I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, nor am I feeling like there's a point in living. I feel like I have a problem and to cope with it, the only rational thing right now seems to be believing the idea of solipsism. I don't know what my destiny is which makes life so complicated right now. I feel unknown and uncaring of anything. I do get suicidal thoughts but in a different form. In a way that I want to be nonexistent rather than dead. I want to be unborn. I get thoughts different from that too, such as wanting to start over. I even feel like there is a restart button somewhere and I just have to go touch it and I'll be back to 1 year old.
I fainted on the train yesterday and missed an accounting quiz. After that, I want to quit school and start over next year. I don't have any way to prove that I fainted so it would just look like an excuse. I also didn't go to work today just because I feel so sick and tired. I feel dead and I'm aching so much. I actually just emailed my prof about the quiz and I'm hoping he does understand.
My nanni called and asked me how I was and just a minute later, my cousin called too. I'm glad some people actually care about my health because even after posting on Tumblr that this happened to me, people didn't seem to really care at all. I want to blame this all on one particular person but I don't have proof enough it was her. We've been in a cold war for over a year now and I always feel as though she talks shit about me to her followers which is why I'm not getting the sympathy I used to get. I want to say more but that would be rude and I don't want to stoop down to her level.
On another note, I made a couple of new friends at university and attended a club meeting. I'm excited for the social part of university, but the academics is the thing that's driving me crazy. I'm not strong enough for this. Other than marketing and English, I don't think I'll be able to pass any of my classes this semester. My schedule is the thing that is exhausting me. I collapsed on the train because of that darned 8AM class. I don't have time to eat and I always sleep in! I'm changing my schedule to 9:00 or later classes for next semester and not taking any break between them because I want to go home early!
I fainted on the train yesterday and missed an accounting quiz. After that, I want to quit school and start over next year. I don't have any way to prove that I fainted so it would just look like an excuse. I also didn't go to work today just because I feel so sick and tired. I feel dead and I'm aching so much. I actually just emailed my prof about the quiz and I'm hoping he does understand.
My nanni called and asked me how I was and just a minute later, my cousin called too. I'm glad some people actually care about my health because even after posting on Tumblr that this happened to me, people didn't seem to really care at all. I want to blame this all on one particular person but I don't have proof enough it was her. We've been in a cold war for over a year now and I always feel as though she talks shit about me to her followers which is why I'm not getting the sympathy I used to get. I want to say more but that would be rude and I don't want to stoop down to her level.
On another note, I made a couple of new friends at university and attended a club meeting. I'm excited for the social part of university, but the academics is the thing that's driving me crazy. I'm not strong enough for this. Other than marketing and English, I don't think I'll be able to pass any of my classes this semester. My schedule is the thing that is exhausting me. I collapsed on the train because of that darned 8AM class. I don't have time to eat and I always sleep in! I'm changing my schedule to 9:00 or later classes for next semester and not taking any break between them because I want to go home early!
~C.
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