Oh No, Not Again

Here is a list of things that went wrong so far this school year:

• I chose BBA instead of Psychology
• Statistics at 8AM
• 5 course load
• I didn't withdraw at the full refund deadline
• 48 on group project because I had bad partners
• Missed a quiz in accounting
• Missed multiple online statistics quizzes
• Missed an orthodontist appointment

I went to the counsellor yesterday because of my whole life experience and it drained me. I did not even talk about what I wanted to talk about but I talked about me being in university and I realised that I don't want to be here. I'd rather be working a job and making money somewhere in H&M or something. I'm not in a program that makes me happy and I'm not doing anything that makes me happy. I didn't even want to get out of bed today. I was drained. 

In grade 10, 11 and even grade 12 I had dreams of becoming a writer and now I want to go into the fashion industry. I don't know what I'll do there but I want to do something I am interested in. Business seems like the only route into a good job in fashion but this is not what I want! I want to be happy and school right now is so draining. 

I wasn't ready for this kind of life in all honesty. It's mentally and physically draining. The day I fainted was not because I was sick and hungry. It was because I was so stressed out about being late and missing a quiz. I was sick emotionally and mentally. 

I want to pause time. I need time to think about what I really want in life. I don't want this. I am in hate with my reality. I can't seem to make myself happy. I'm scared of my indecisiveness and the fact that I'm emotionally driven by my parents. They control my mind through emotion and although I do have a choice, they did so much for me so how do I just push that effort away?!

These are thing I wanted to talk about to her. Instead, I talked about my non-existential feelings and how I don't know what's reality and what is not. She asked me at the end of the session if our conversation was real and I said yes. I cried that's how I knew it was real but now I'm having second thoughts. I was having second thoughts the minute I stepped out of that room. I don't know if it was real because if it were, I'd be okay but I'm feeling worse.

I feel like crap. I have so many things to do but mostly I just want to stop my existence. I want to stop and not do anything forever!

I can't even seem to make this post sound beautiful. It's just words. I don't know what I am anymore. 

I'm done with life. I'm fed up and everything seems to be the last straw and when I try to pull this straw out, it just keeps growing and growing!

How to end this: like this.

~C.