freak to chic
I've been spending the last week or so cleaning out my Tumblr archive. It's a mess honestly. I just wanted to delete any remnants of my shitty high school anti-social social life.
I've gone back to December of 2012 and I had a huge realization last night while cleaning it out. I was also pretty tired, high, and in a depressive mood so this realization came as a shock that made me panic hard. I had a whole life on Tumblr. A whole social life with friends I regularly talked to and people's lives I was invested in. I was part of an online community that felt so real that I never had a need for an IRL social life. But going back through all that, it was overwhelming. I was trapped in such a small aspect of my life and felt fulfilled socially. The hardest part about coming to terms with it is that those people were so temporary that I can't even remember much about them anymore. This one girl from Montreal who sent me a present, I can't remember her name or even her username, yet she and I talked all the time. And I want to get back in touch with her too. Like, Montreal isn't even a distance that's hard to reach. I'd have a friend there. That's not even the only one. Friends in New York, California, Colorado, Ontario, even Australia. All these people, gone like the wind. Yet I had all these people in my direct vicinity whom I didn't put effort into at all and they are still here, easy to talk to.
It's crazy to think I spent 3 years of my life becoming a person online and being part of a tiny social circle that had crazy amounts of drama. My first 2 relationships were online. They were so real. It's kind of fucked-up to think that I made these friends online through posting hundreds of posts every day just about K-pop. I feel like a freak thinking about how such a huge part of my life was words through a screen. I felt true emotions through this shit. It's so hard to explain but those 3 years of my life are so embarrassing now. How did I invest so much time into people I barely knew? Made empty plans to go meet these people. Made promises and shared my dark secrets to people miles away. It's so weird.
But I think that also made me who I am today. I value friendship but I'm dormant when it comes to replies and texting and it comes from those online people not always being there. I thought I was so popular and it got to my head. In real life I was nobody. It's crazy how far one would go for the attention of hundreds of people. At that age, being a teenager, I did almost everything that people warn you from doing online. I sent pictures, I told people where I live, I told them so much about my life. Of course, I thought I knew these people. They came to me too. They told my bits of their life. And I trusted it. I'm not sure how true anything was. I feel like it was so staged. I feel like my life then and my life now are 2 different lives. Nothing connects. I left pieces of myself around the world. I wonder if they still think of me.
But I took today to think about it. And as embarrassing it is to be online for hours each day and bombarding people with edits and gifs, I think I've finally learned the lesson fate was trying to teach me. I need to live in the moment and be aware of everything around me. Appreciate those who are in my life and don't take anyone for granted because IRL or online, they might not always be there.
I've gone back to December of 2012 and I had a huge realization last night while cleaning it out. I was also pretty tired, high, and in a depressive mood so this realization came as a shock that made me panic hard. I had a whole life on Tumblr. A whole social life with friends I regularly talked to and people's lives I was invested in. I was part of an online community that felt so real that I never had a need for an IRL social life. But going back through all that, it was overwhelming. I was trapped in such a small aspect of my life and felt fulfilled socially. The hardest part about coming to terms with it is that those people were so temporary that I can't even remember much about them anymore. This one girl from Montreal who sent me a present, I can't remember her name or even her username, yet she and I talked all the time. And I want to get back in touch with her too. Like, Montreal isn't even a distance that's hard to reach. I'd have a friend there. That's not even the only one. Friends in New York, California, Colorado, Ontario, even Australia. All these people, gone like the wind. Yet I had all these people in my direct vicinity whom I didn't put effort into at all and they are still here, easy to talk to.
It's crazy to think I spent 3 years of my life becoming a person online and being part of a tiny social circle that had crazy amounts of drama. My first 2 relationships were online. They were so real. It's kind of fucked-up to think that I made these friends online through posting hundreds of posts every day just about K-pop. I feel like a freak thinking about how such a huge part of my life was words through a screen. I felt true emotions through this shit. It's so hard to explain but those 3 years of my life are so embarrassing now. How did I invest so much time into people I barely knew? Made empty plans to go meet these people. Made promises and shared my dark secrets to people miles away. It's so weird.
But I think that also made me who I am today. I value friendship but I'm dormant when it comes to replies and texting and it comes from those online people not always being there. I thought I was so popular and it got to my head. In real life I was nobody. It's crazy how far one would go for the attention of hundreds of people. At that age, being a teenager, I did almost everything that people warn you from doing online. I sent pictures, I told people where I live, I told them so much about my life. Of course, I thought I knew these people. They came to me too. They told my bits of their life. And I trusted it. I'm not sure how true anything was. I feel like it was so staged. I feel like my life then and my life now are 2 different lives. Nothing connects. I left pieces of myself around the world. I wonder if they still think of me.
But I took today to think about it. And as embarrassing it is to be online for hours each day and bombarding people with edits and gifs, I think I've finally learned the lesson fate was trying to teach me. I need to live in the moment and be aware of everything around me. Appreciate those who are in my life and don't take anyone for granted because IRL or online, they might not always be there.
~C.
Comments
Post a Comment