malibu nights
1. i'm so confused. but one thing im not confused about is the fact that i still am deeply and hopelessly in love with you. despite hating you. despite you hurting me. i want you back. it felt good talking to you. i felt safe. you're my safety. you are my comfort. take me back. i've changed.
2. you said you want to go back to hating me? you mean in first year when you thought i was a bitch? thats so wrong. i liked it when it was the last day of school or whatever and we were at the picnic and i gave you a hug and that was it. we were good friends. i want to back to that at least.
3. i keep rewinding back to every single memory i have with you. every moment. from day 1 to literally talking to you yesterday. i play back the good days, our dates, our late nights, our fights, everything. such small pointless things. big things. i want to do it over again.
4. how does someone as good as you go with a bitch of a woman like her. im serious. how is she any better than i was? there is 1 main difference... her family. you didn't want to settle for me for whatever reason. i hope you thought about that because i did. i want to live my life with you. im still in love with you and the only way i can get past this feelings is because i know you're not coming back.
5. i almost ran into her today. she was waiting at the good earth doors. and i usually go in through there to get some tea or coffee in the morning. i almost had a heart attack. i almost fainted. i went the other way. i can't focus. my stomach is turning. what do you see in her that made you go to her?
6. i miss you. i really do. i can't sleep. i can't eat. i want you back. i was planning to be okay by my birthday. that's 1 day away. i don't think i can do it. it hurts too much knowing it. it felt good to forgive you. but it was confusing to talk to you. i wish you and i never made those mistakes. i wish we never lied to each other. i wish you and i were more honest. if we had another chance, i'd do it right.
7. it's crazy to be so hopeless about love but, i'm still waiting for you. i don't know if you took that pact seriously but i did. 40 years old. i'll be there waiting. i'll marry you in a heartbeat. i'm wifey material.
8. i hope you know that i dont want to hate your girlfriend. this is called jealousy. don't hate me because it sounds like i hate her. i don't. she scares me. she intimidates me. she makes me sick. she gives me bad vibes. i still can't see what you see in her but i dont know her well. i just know that she doesnt give a shit about sleeping with other people's boyfriends... loose morals? that says a lot about a character already. she doesn't care about breaking up a relationship... that also said a lot about her. this isn't about us since there is no us. it's about how i feel, and felt all this time. she was an outsider. she had the sense to know between right and wrong. when you're in the relationship, you are blinded by emotion but the outsider can see clearly. she did more wrong than you. she was the homewrecker. she knew what was wrong but she didn't care. you at least apologized about it. she didn't give a shit.
9. jason is the only one of your friends who even remotely talks to me. everyone else hates me. that's not my fault, it's yours. you spread rumours, spoke about our private affairs. i never told anyone anything ever. you did. you spilled everything to them and never worked it out with me. yet they hate me. for what? you cheated too. you did a lot wrong too. but they hate me? there is no just reason other than the fact you fed them lies. i cheated once. you did over and over. i forgave you but you never forgave me.
10. they say 1 person always loves more in a relationship. i used to think it was you. but turns out it was me. i loved you so i let you go. i wanted you to be happy. you didn't care if i was happy or not. you lied. you hid so much more from me than i did you. you manipulated me to make me feel sorry for you. i knew what was happening and i just wanted you to be happy in the end. so i let you go. i think i did love you more than you loved me. the whole time.
11. this is my last post before i'm 22. i hope you can see the new me. not the old me who was immature and wrong. i've changed since then. but you never wanted to see it. ive changed a lot during our whole relationship. you never wanted to see it. you wanted so much from me... for what? an excuse to leave me because you knew i couldn't do it? you broke my heart you know. maybe there are lingering feelings. but they are just that, lingering. it's not real. but i wish it were. i wish you could see who ive become and not see me as that 18 year old girl you fucked in the playground. or that 19 year old who cheated on you. i love you. i really do. i wish you could see that.
12. everyone has flaws. one day you'll see hers. and one day you'll think that i wasn't so bad after all. i'll still be here waiting on you when that day comes. but i need you to actually see it before you do anything about it.
2. you said you want to go back to hating me? you mean in first year when you thought i was a bitch? thats so wrong. i liked it when it was the last day of school or whatever and we were at the picnic and i gave you a hug and that was it. we were good friends. i want to back to that at least.
3. i keep rewinding back to every single memory i have with you. every moment. from day 1 to literally talking to you yesterday. i play back the good days, our dates, our late nights, our fights, everything. such small pointless things. big things. i want to do it over again.
4. how does someone as good as you go with a bitch of a woman like her. im serious. how is she any better than i was? there is 1 main difference... her family. you didn't want to settle for me for whatever reason. i hope you thought about that because i did. i want to live my life with you. im still in love with you and the only way i can get past this feelings is because i know you're not coming back.
5. i almost ran into her today. she was waiting at the good earth doors. and i usually go in through there to get some tea or coffee in the morning. i almost had a heart attack. i almost fainted. i went the other way. i can't focus. my stomach is turning. what do you see in her that made you go to her?
6. i miss you. i really do. i can't sleep. i can't eat. i want you back. i was planning to be okay by my birthday. that's 1 day away. i don't think i can do it. it hurts too much knowing it. it felt good to forgive you. but it was confusing to talk to you. i wish you and i never made those mistakes. i wish we never lied to each other. i wish you and i were more honest. if we had another chance, i'd do it right.
7. it's crazy to be so hopeless about love but, i'm still waiting for you. i don't know if you took that pact seriously but i did. 40 years old. i'll be there waiting. i'll marry you in a heartbeat. i'm wifey material.
8. i hope you know that i dont want to hate your girlfriend. this is called jealousy. don't hate me because it sounds like i hate her. i don't. she scares me. she intimidates me. she makes me sick. she gives me bad vibes. i still can't see what you see in her but i dont know her well. i just know that she doesnt give a shit about sleeping with other people's boyfriends... loose morals? that says a lot about a character already. she doesn't care about breaking up a relationship... that also said a lot about her. this isn't about us since there is no us. it's about how i feel, and felt all this time. she was an outsider. she had the sense to know between right and wrong. when you're in the relationship, you are blinded by emotion but the outsider can see clearly. she did more wrong than you. she was the homewrecker. she knew what was wrong but she didn't care. you at least apologized about it. she didn't give a shit.
9. jason is the only one of your friends who even remotely talks to me. everyone else hates me. that's not my fault, it's yours. you spread rumours, spoke about our private affairs. i never told anyone anything ever. you did. you spilled everything to them and never worked it out with me. yet they hate me. for what? you cheated too. you did a lot wrong too. but they hate me? there is no just reason other than the fact you fed them lies. i cheated once. you did over and over. i forgave you but you never forgave me.
10. they say 1 person always loves more in a relationship. i used to think it was you. but turns out it was me. i loved you so i let you go. i wanted you to be happy. you didn't care if i was happy or not. you lied. you hid so much more from me than i did you. you manipulated me to make me feel sorry for you. i knew what was happening and i just wanted you to be happy in the end. so i let you go. i think i did love you more than you loved me. the whole time.
11. this is my last post before i'm 22. i hope you can see the new me. not the old me who was immature and wrong. i've changed since then. but you never wanted to see it. ive changed a lot during our whole relationship. you never wanted to see it. you wanted so much from me... for what? an excuse to leave me because you knew i couldn't do it? you broke my heart you know. maybe there are lingering feelings. but they are just that, lingering. it's not real. but i wish it were. i wish you could see who ive become and not see me as that 18 year old girl you fucked in the playground. or that 19 year old who cheated on you. i love you. i really do. i wish you could see that.
12. everyone has flaws. one day you'll see hers. and one day you'll think that i wasn't so bad after all. i'll still be here waiting on you when that day comes. but i need you to actually see it before you do anything about it.
~C.
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