all the things he did that caused me pain

he emotionally manipulated me into sneaking out, having sex, and being of use to him. he'd get angry, cry, throw a fit, and threaten to break up when i did anything against his will. i ended up feeling as though my body, my life, my being belonged to him and his wishes. i felt as though i had no autonomy or independence. i became dependent and could make no decision without his counsel. he cheated on me emotionally and physically multiple times. he lied. he hid things. he hid things that he'd done against me and he hid things he'd said about me and he never defended me or took my side. he emotionally abused me to believe that i was always in the wrong. he made me feel like a child who couldn't do anything on her own. he made me feel like i needed to beg for his attention and that i needed to change every aspect of myself to be with him. he made me feel like i had to be stupider to make him feel superior. he made me feel like i was never good enough. he left me in the dark. he still has secrets about me. he made me do things and drop friends and he manipulated me into isolating myself and thinking that i was alone. he made everyone my enemy including myself. he controlled every choice and he broke my dreams. he made me feel like i could not do anything without his help yet he needed my help the most. he used my intellect, he used my body, he used my emotional vulnerability. he never understood my mental illness, he never took consideration into my feelings. he made me question everyone and everything. he made me questions everyone's motives. why anyone would love me, why anyone would befriend me, why anyone would accept me. he made me lose my confidence. i thought the person who tells you they love you always means it but he made me realize this isn't true. he accepted me as i was before i was with him. i was understanding, kind, fun, outgoing, naive, young, vulnerable, impressionable, free, bright, optimistic, hopeful, oriented, sober before i met him. i am now lost. i am now protective of my heart. i am now unfit to be loved. i am now alone. i am now scared. i am now this. who is this person? i don't recognize her. 

but i'm glad i've made it known to myself what a danger to my mind he was. i am now aware of the emotional and psychological trauma it has caused me. it's without a doubt that this new found awareness brings me a step closer to a cure. it brings me a step closer to bettering myself. it brings me closer, now, to growing into the person who has learned from her first emotional investment. 

the hardest step will be being able to trust again. being able to let myself be loved without worrying about my past traumas. to let myself be someone's all and everything. it'll take time, and effort and i may need to let go of the caution but if there is any one person who can understand this, they would be the one. someone who i can communicate this to and they won't be scared of me and they will remind me i'm deserving of love and they are deserving of my trust. because trust and communication are what keep a commitment strong. 

though this may be an exaggeration objectively, subjectively these are the feelings and scars i am left with. 

~C.