serene
My new favourite word (possibly the word of the year) is SERENDIPITOUS. Because everything good that has happened has been so out of the blue yet pleasant. Meeting an angel/friend/partner/whatever the fuck he is...all so sudden. It made me forget about another feeling I had. I'm not sure what else to call it other than fate. It was fate that brings people into your lives and maybe you're just as important to them.
These things have been happening so much.
I met god just over a year ago. I was on the bathroom floor in a bar and I just felt like it was my time to die. I was ready to go but I think I saw something; I can't remember what it was but I know it was god. I was given a second chance. God is water.
I was also possessed by something as well. I'm sure it was chaotic energy from a friend of a friend. It wasn't anyone's fault, mind you. It was just the circumstances. I now realize it may have caused me to dissociate; took over my body and perhaps helped me in a way -- chaotic good or maybe just a chaotic neutral entity in my body. I don't think it meant any harm perse. It was just unwelcome and caused me to manifest its traits. Well, one thing led to another and I found myself with this person and his friend in a church parking lot at 10pm. I had a panic attack, threw up, bled from my nose, and I don't remember a lot but I'm sure it was an exorcism. That evil spirit is gone from me now. And in all honesty, I may not believe in a lot of these things but I believe in whatever I experience. That's what it was. How crazy does one have to be? And vulnerable? To allow such evil into their body. It's kind of fucked up. But since that night, I prayed and prayed for goodness. I've tried to become a stronger person (not that I wasn't already trying; I just decided to make it the main focus of my life).
I'm starting to feel like my old self again. It might just be the drugs, but I'm happy now.
I have faults. Everyone does. I think my smoking (weed and ciggies) is just a way for me to manifest my underlying issues into metaphors that symbolize my faults. I overthink. I get paranoid. I think I don't deserve the best of things because I'm a terrible person. And I know that this is not true but I can't find the reasoning behind why that is so. I can only convince myself that I'm undeserving because I tend to focus on the shitty things I do and have done. I don't know if I'm a good friend, or a good daughter, or a good sister, or even a good person in this world. I'm not sure if it even matters. Sometimes I feel like it does. Other times, I couldn't care less.
Whatever the right answer is (if there is one), I know that for a fact I need to convince myself that I am deserving of life. I'm not going to end my life. That's one thing for sure.
Some people are meant to lead you to think about your life. I thought too hard and I thought too hard in the wrong way. I'm taking a step back now and looking at life as reality, not as a fucked up social experiment. I'm happier this way. I need to focus on myself and how I feel, not what others want me to feel and what others think. I run my life and no one can predict what I'll do. No one has a plan. Nobody can live my life for me. These are truths I need to tell myself.
Thank you.
These things have been happening so much.
I met god just over a year ago. I was on the bathroom floor in a bar and I just felt like it was my time to die. I was ready to go but I think I saw something; I can't remember what it was but I know it was god. I was given a second chance. God is water.
I was also possessed by something as well. I'm sure it was chaotic energy from a friend of a friend. It wasn't anyone's fault, mind you. It was just the circumstances. I now realize it may have caused me to dissociate; took over my body and perhaps helped me in a way -- chaotic good or maybe just a chaotic neutral entity in my body. I don't think it meant any harm perse. It was just unwelcome and caused me to manifest its traits. Well, one thing led to another and I found myself with this person and his friend in a church parking lot at 10pm. I had a panic attack, threw up, bled from my nose, and I don't remember a lot but I'm sure it was an exorcism. That evil spirit is gone from me now. And in all honesty, I may not believe in a lot of these things but I believe in whatever I experience. That's what it was. How crazy does one have to be? And vulnerable? To allow such evil into their body. It's kind of fucked up. But since that night, I prayed and prayed for goodness. I've tried to become a stronger person (not that I wasn't already trying; I just decided to make it the main focus of my life).
I'm starting to feel like my old self again. It might just be the drugs, but I'm happy now.
I have faults. Everyone does. I think my smoking (weed and ciggies) is just a way for me to manifest my underlying issues into metaphors that symbolize my faults. I overthink. I get paranoid. I think I don't deserve the best of things because I'm a terrible person. And I know that this is not true but I can't find the reasoning behind why that is so. I can only convince myself that I'm undeserving because I tend to focus on the shitty things I do and have done. I don't know if I'm a good friend, or a good daughter, or a good sister, or even a good person in this world. I'm not sure if it even matters. Sometimes I feel like it does. Other times, I couldn't care less.
Whatever the right answer is (if there is one), I know that for a fact I need to convince myself that I am deserving of life. I'm not going to end my life. That's one thing for sure.
Some people are meant to lead you to think about your life. I thought too hard and I thought too hard in the wrong way. I'm taking a step back now and looking at life as reality, not as a fucked up social experiment. I'm happier this way. I need to focus on myself and how I feel, not what others want me to feel and what others think. I run my life and no one can predict what I'll do. No one has a plan. Nobody can live my life for me. These are truths I need to tell myself.
Thank you.
~C.
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