300+ days

got married august 1, it's june 1 now. it's been almost a year

why the fuck is everything so difficult. 

i wish i could just live in honeymoon land forever and not have to stress about life and daily shit. i just want to be with my husband, not at work 9 hours a day and wondering what to make for dinner, and if there's enough for lunch tomorrow, and don't forget to make your breakfast. and yeah, while you're at work, don't forget that you have to pick up some things for dinner, and you have appointments after work, and your husband is unemployed so help him find a job, and don't forget to file your taxes, and do your accounting, and laundry never ends. and you live in a basement so don't forget to get some fresh air and sunlight but don't open the window because it gets cold, and watch out for spiders and bugs, and clean every weekend, and the bathroom has mold but that's every bathroom because where there's water there's mold so clean your water bottle daily and don't forget to drink water and take your meds, and try to stop vaping and start working out so you're healthy and gain weight so you have an easy pregnancy but wait til we move out to get pregnant but wait we can't move out on just one income so help your husband find a job but don't push too much or he'll get emasculated and then he won't want to have sex with you and that's gonna lead to you both being more depressed and more distant and fight more and just wanna end it all but i don't want to end it all because i'm so in love and obsessed with him but the problem is how do i show my love outside of just affection and words and physical touch. i try to do things but there is a disconnect. maybe we both are a bit scared of hurting each other with our words that we've started to become closed off, awkward, nervous, avoidant. 

i hate everything that happened to lead us to here. we had 1 night of loving marriage happy couple no worries, before night 2 even came to an end, the marriage was tainted. i wish i could go back and start over. i wish i hadn't gotten married yet. i wish we had more time. i wish i wish i wish. but there's no genie, there's no fairy godmother, where's god? what kind of karma is this? what did i do for this to happen? 

maybe i'm broken. maybe i'm not meant to be fully happy. maybe i'm not even meant to have money. but please let me just have a good relationship, the best relationship with my husband. that's all i want. i don't want to live in pain and suffering. i want to be content. i want my life to stop feeling like a puzzle with no answer. 

~C.