i just need to get this off my chest

 i wish i could erase 2020 and 2021 and half of 2022 out my life forever

i literally feel sick to my stomach every time i think about those times in my life. 

let’s forget about covid itself and the bullshit we all went through, let me instead tell you all about what i personally went through

i wasn’t thinking straight, or was i even thinking to begin with? something was in the air, and i just didn’t make sound decisions. 

when i met that person, let’s call him A, i wasn’t sure what i was looking for. if anything, i was just lonely and didn’t feel like i could turn to my friends. well, one of my friends, T sounded like he was falling into the alt-right pipeline in a weird conspiracy level way. sounded like he was going into the QAnon stuff back in 2020 and it didn’t sit right with me. i mean, i did hang out with him, we smoked weed, we talked about random shit, learned some new things, but over time, each hang out became more and more filled with crazy things i didn’t believe in and didn’t want to believe in — i won’t go into details but a lot of it was about race and origin theories and stuff. it rubbed me the wrong way, not to mention the nft and crypto currency craze going on at the time was getting to me. so i started going on dating apps to find someone to spend time with. 

like i said, i wasn’t looking for anything serious, if anything, i was coming out of a depression and wasn’t feeling myself. i still don’t feel like myself but that’s different. 

so i met A on some app. and we went on a date, and i already shouldn’t have gone on that date because there were minor icks that i got from him but, like i said, i was bored, lonely, kind of fucked up in the brain after taking mushrooms and smoking weed and covid and just a mix of things. i guess i got caught up in the thrill of it, the dopamine rush of having a new toy to play with basically. but it took a hard turn. he started being kinda rude, kinda erratic, kind of made me feel guilty and my people pleasing tendencies took over. in the most selfish of ways, i just wanted to prove to him that i wasn’t a dumb bitch like he thought i was. 

that’s where it all went wrong. i should’ve just broken up, told him to fuck himself and went on my merry way. but no, i continued to talk to him, we got into some kind of relationship but he never called me his girlfriend, just partner, and he pretty much started using my brain. i told him about crypto, nfts, a bunch of theories, because that’s what had been on my mind because of T. he got a total hard on for the fact that i was smart and could make him money. my naive self thought it was all fun and games and that i’d also put in some money and see where it went. i had just gotten a decent job, and was making some extra cash so i started playing around with it. 

eventually, the stress of losing money got to him so he asked me to help him out. he lost his job. he kept asking me to spot him, help him out, support him. and i never thought support would mean paying for everything while he puts all his money into buying crypto and nfts.

when i look back, i could’ve walked away at any second, but the things he said were manipulative and made my self esteem go to shit in 6 months. i met him in july i think and by december i was starting to feel like a piece of shit. he would mock me, call me names, and put me down any chance he got. on the flip side, he also did some kind things like bake me cupcakes on my birthday and encourage me to start a business. the things is, i didn’t want any of that. i didn’t even know what i wanted. he never let me talk. literally, anytime i would open my mouth i barely got out 4 words before he talked over me, or shut me up somehow. 

that’s part of the reason why i stayed, i was fighting to be heard. when i look back, i should’ve just left. he wasn’t really anything to me, just a guy. and if i am being honest, it was during lockdown when i met him and i wasn’t meeting any of my family or friends. i am not really a home kind of person, i’ve always had issues being home all the time and because 2019 was just so fun, i was craving that all the time. 

when 2021 came around, he somehow convinced me to go to vancouver and toronto with him. i wanted to go, since ive never gone and travelled on my own without family, so sure, i went. but each trip he would fight with me over stupid things. the one i remember the most is when we were in vancouver, and i just wanted to do touristy things, go to the beach, go shopping, go to the museum and all the vancouver things, and he saw it as a business trip. his business is exploiting jamaicans for seamoss and sell it online. he wanted to take pictures, “do research” and some other shit and i went along with it. but one of the days, i just wanted to go out and do my own thing which he didn’t want me to. i wanted to leave the hotel room and he took the keycard from me and wouldn’t give it back. i asked so many times and when i was looking around for it, he got angry. i saw it on his nightstand and went to grab it but he snatched it out of my hands and tackled me onto the bed. he had a glass in his hand and tried to throw it at me but i started screaming at him to give me the card. he got angrier that i was yelling and almost hit my head with the glass but i tried to fight him. i was trying to grab the key card out of his hand while he was on top of me and he pressed the glass so hard onto my hand that it cracked and cut me. i cried and screamed and left the room. i can’t remember much. i just remember that i went to the gurdwara by bus and stayed there for about an hour or so before coming back. he was still there when i came back but left as soon as i entered. i was so upset about the whole trip and kept wondering what the heck i did that was so wrong to warrant that reaction. i still can’t remember what it was. that night, i texted my mom’s cousin, who lives just outside the city if he could come pick me up. he said it wasn’t possible because the city was on lockdown, no one was allowed to enter or leave on road because of covid (that’s what i call bcbs). i didnt share any details though. so i had to stay there in that hotel that night, with someone i didn’t trust. when i fell asleep, he came and got upset why was i asleep when he was out in the dark alone all night. i don’t know? when i fell asleep again much later that night, he came into my bed, fully nude, and assaulted me. i didn’t know how to react but once he left i cried silently until morning. i was violated

the same thing happened in toronto. i don’t even know why i went. why i stayed with him. he made me feel so bad emotionally and mentally. i had no self esteem left. i used to model before i met him and he made me feel like the ugliest person in the world. my skin got so bad i was getting acne all over. i looked like a shell of a human. my eyes were sunken in, and there wasn’t a single thought in my brain except for how do i make sure he doesn’t kill me one day. 

he threatened me so many times. to this day, i don’t know what i did wrong. 

i actually don’t even remember most of 2021. i just remember him always being mad at me for something. making me so sleep deprived because he would threaten me if i didn’t pick him up from work at 1 or sometimes 2am. he wouldn’t let me leave when i wanted to. he would play mental games and make me run around the city for small things. he would make me buy him things and then ask me to return it. 

there was one instance that finally opened my eyes was when he asked me to get him water because of his diabetes. it was the middle of the night so only some convenience stores were open and i had just dropped him off at home. he only drinks distilled water because he’s crazy — i mean he says that tap water has chemicals and will give him arthritis or something, like i said, he’s crazy. but that night, he said he forgot to turn on his water distiller or he spilled a gallon of his water on the floor or something, but he was all out of water. he called me to get him water from the store but i was already home so i told him that im home and just drink tap water, it’s not going to kill you. he got so mad at what i said that he spam called me. when i answered, he screamed in the phone to get him water or he’s going to die because his blood sugar is so high. i again said told him to drink normal water or take insulin but he started going off about how tap water is poison (mind you, our city’s tap water is one of the cleanest and highest quality in the whole country) and how much insulin costs and how he is dehydrated and will die if he doesn’t get water, all that stuff. so i gave in and told him im on the way. this was really late at night, probably 1 or 2am, so i’m not at 100% brain power and i know he won’t stop calling me unless i get him water. so i drive to the nearest convenience store and buy a gallon of water of his favourite brand and drive it over. i put it at his doorstep and text him to come and get it, that im going home because it’s late. he called me again and said he’s on the street walking to 711, to pick him up and take him home. i drove to the nearest 711 and he wasn’t anywhere to be seen so now i’m pissed. i call him and tell him to go the fuck home, asking why he didn’t just stay put when i told him im on the way, and obviously he diverts the questions, starts verbally abusing me, and blames me for his blood sugar levels, and how hes so weak hes gonna die on the street. i then remembered that i saw the kitchen light on at his place so i called him out on his lie. i even drove back to his place and see that the door was left open and the water is gone. that was the last straw. 

after that happening, i started making a plan to get away from him for good. the only problem is that he will do anything to get what he wants, except be a good person. he took the house key he gave me so i had no way of retrieving any of my things. i slowly reduced how much time i spent there, i made excuses of how i had to move in with my grandparents when they came back in 2022 and that i can’t do remote work at his place anymore. there are some blurs in my memory here as well but i remember sometime early 2022 or late 2021, we got into a bad fight at his house where the neighbours heard me crying and screaming and called the cops. that was another sign for me to leave. the cops came, i answered the door, but because he knew it was going to happen, he hid in the bathroom. the cop asked me if i was okay, and i told him yes, it was just an argument that got heated, nothing to worry about. the cop left. i regretted it that instant.

later in 2022, we got into another fight. this was after i helped him co-sign for an apartment, and put down the deposit. he was throwing some things away, packing some other things and stuff. after finding that apartment for him, i went no contact. i told him we could be on good terms if he just picked up the responsibility and didn’t screw me over, i did this as a favour so he’d be out of my life. he called me as he was moving so i could pick up some of my things but when i went over, he got into another fight with me. i wanted to pick up my things, my computer, my music, paintings, books, some other stuff as well, but he just wanted to talk. well i didn’t, thats not what i was called there to do so i told him that i was just there to grab my things and go. he didn’t let me leave. i started screaming again, hoping the neighbours would hear and call the cops again, but things got way worse. i dragged me down the stairs as i was trying to leave and threw me into a room in the basement. i was going crazy and so i started acting violently; kicking and screaming and trying to push him away. he pushed me against the wall and put both hands around my neck and started choking me to the point i actually couldn’t breathe. i don’t know what happened but i got away somehow and tried to run out the door. i told him i’d call the cops if he didnt let me leave but this time, he finally did. i went home and took pictures of myself in the mirror, there were bruises in my neck and eye. yes, he almost gave me a black eye and strangled me to death. 

i can’t remember if i ever saw him again after that but he’s tried to contact me. he would spam me with texts and long silent voicemails. i blocked his number, then he started getting new numbers through that internet service, textplus or something. well, he still has my belongings, or maybe he sold them, i don’t know. he’s a liar so i can’t believe a word he says. he eventually stopped contacting me for a while but once it started again, i knew i had to change my number so i finally did this year. 

but that’s the thing, if none of that had happened, i don’t know who i’d be. would i be a better person, or worse? or just different? i don’t know. but i wish i had never met that fucker. i have so much anger in me because of him. i have so much anger towards myself because how could i let that happen to myself. i feel like a failure of a person. 

in august 2022, i met my now boyfriend/fiancé. he’s the best. for real this time. i wouldn’t know what “the best” is if i hadn’t met “the worst” but at times i feel like i’m not “the best” for him. im so broken. i don’t even know how i would ever explain this to him. i hate myself for making such a shitty decision back then. i knew better but i wasn’t in a good mental space to begin with. i should’ve known. i should’ve been smarter. i should’ve stopped being a rebel without a cause because the real world is actually scary and i had no idea what i was doing. i still don’t. 

what the fuck am i doing? i just want to erase that whole shitty time in my life. it feels like i burden i’m going to have to live with forever. i feel tainted. i feel broken, i feel like this one aspect of my life i need to forget but it’s so hard to. there’s no resolution. 

i do not want to forgive him, like… why would i forgive someone who made me feel like i was losing my mind? someone who almost killed me, who stole 2 years of my life, who took so much from me, made me feel like a dumb worthless human who can’t do anything right. why do they deserve my forgiveness? and how can i forget such trauma? no, there is no forgive and forget here. but i want to forget it. i want to move on. but i can’t. i hate him so much. i want him to live such a tortured life with no salvation. i want for him to become homeless and freeze to death in the bow river. i just am so angry all the time because of that loser. i hate him so much. but what can i even do about it. i am filled with so much anger and hatred and no where to put it, it makes me want to kill myself sometimes but i then remember that i have a loving fiancé. he’s perfect to me, he loves me more than kanye loves kanye and i don’t want to hurt him. if anything i want to live forever just so i can stay with him. 

but bro, that’s what causes so much cognitive dissonance. like why am i filled with all this anger when i have something so wonderful in my life. 

why do i care so much about what was done to me and not what will happen to me? i just want to know how to repurpose all this negative energy in me because i swear i am letting it out on my sisters and parents and randoms on the street and myself, when it does me no good. i need help. i can’t afford therapy. 

help. please. i don’t want to live like this anymore. 

~C.